Love Hurts
by VegaKeep
Summary: My own take if the Replacment ended differently in which Xander's life gets more...complicated.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I am stealing these characters for my monument to insanity.  
Ship: The Skull-Angel. Whoops, you mean fic ship, it's a surprise. Trust me, you'll love it, or else…  
Spoilers: The Replacement. The rest is a secret secret.  
Feedback: Please do or...people will die.  
Special thanks to Jason for fixing the game so he could get this ship. Never bet with Jason kiddies. I'd also like to thank a certain Rogue with somewhat bad aim. You know who you are.  
  
  
LOVE HURTS  
VegaKeep  
Sometimes I regret being born. I mean look at me. I've graduated High School, but No College will accept me. I can't hold down a single job despite my experience. I've been a pizza delivery driver, phone sex operator, ice cream truck driver, a construction worker, candy seller, Starbucker, janitor, courier, and other types of odd jobs. My abusive parents make me live in the basement, and charge me room and board, everyday my friends seem to give off a vibe that just plainly tells them "laugh at me." But the thing that really hurts is that the all the women in my life want nothing to do with me, like Anya.  
  
I loved her. I thought she loved me, but the Hellmouth had other ideas. Some sort of robot or demon has stolen my life and everyone thinks it's me.   
  
At first I thought it was using some form of mind control with a shiny talisman but the final time I attacked him the device turned out to be a squashed nickel. The time I spent shadowing my double and talking to Spike after I bumped into him resulted in me losing the crucial time I needed to talk to my "friends."  
  
The demon got to the gang before I could while I was getting information from Spike. Buffy was fooled by my replacement. I couldn't go to Buffy, she's "slay first, ask questions later." I decided to go to my best friend. Willow and Tara tried to fry me with their magics. Spike tried his best to kill me even though he has that chip. Even Dawn, despite her infatuation with me had the cops chase after me. Thank goodness I knew all sorts of haunts in SunnyHell. But Anya hurt the most.  
  
I went to talk to her in her home, and come across the message. I grabbed her handgun and went to rescue her. A fight ensued, the gun falls to the floor, I discover the talisman is nothing but a coin, Anya picks up the gun and starts firing at me. Despite what's happened, it looks like my luck didn't completely run out. I'm still alive, but the pain still gnaws at me.  
  
My own girlfriend tried to kill me. My own girlfriend tried to kill me because she prefers the guy without the flaws to the guy who would do anything for her and loves her. Granted I no longer have to put up with her so that's a blessing but it still hurts. Having your heart torn out of your body tends to do that to you, but I'm used to it. I've been burned by anything that walks.   
Buffy burned me when she wanted nothing to do with me, but now that I think of it I'm glad she didn't chose me. I mean it's a fucking cycle with her. She finds her "dream" guy, he hurts her real bad, and she mopes around, and finds the next "dream" guy. There was Angel, Parker, and Riley. She prefers the dangerous type rather then the guy who will put her on a pedestal, and if they do put her on a pedestal, she pushes them away…like Faith. Faith…now there was a wonderful package. Smart, beautiful, but cold. Like Cordelia.  
  
That's why I'm in LA. Not to see Cordelia, but to escape. I'm tired of it all. Supposedly you go to LA to fulfill your dreams. Works for me. I'll just stay here, work to make enough cash and filter into somewhere else, like Vegas, or Seattle, just any place that's far away from the Slayer, Anya, and the goddamn Hellmouth.  
  
My thinking was that my plan is perfect. You wouldn't expect to find a fugitive working as a bartender in a Kareoke Bar called "Caritas" that's run by a demon that loves music would you? Just my luck that Deadboy and the Three Stooges come by. I know he still has his soul, but I think that Deadboy would do anything to get back in Buffy's good graces, even kill me thinking I'm a demon. The boss knows I'm hiding from them, but he won't pry into why. He of course keeps quiet about me, as long as I sing. It's funny, how I've hated demons all my life, then dated/slept with one, and work for one. But the boss is cool. He can read auras and futures. He's read mine, but he isn't saying what it is. At least not yet.


	2. Chapter 2

It was just another day on the job that day. I walked in; the boss greets me with his usual "How's it going kid?" I reply with my usual "It's all right" and go straight to work. If you ask me, being a bartender is a kick ass job. You meet all sorts of interesting people. Like last week, there was that Vampire that was just terrified of blood. Can you believe that! A creature that must subsist on blood to survive is terrified of blood! Then there was that Succubus that just could not seduce anything if her existence depended on it. Other then that, the pay's all right and the tips are nice. So what was I saying? Oh yeah, it was just another day on the job. So I'm doing my rounds and get to the point of serving a screwdriver to a Gremlin with an Afro (yeah they do exist) when I start to hear someone singing "Here with Me" with a beautiful but real depressed tone. Then again you'd have to be depressed to sing let alone listen to Dido. I look at the stage, and see a real good looking blonde. God she's a knockout. Blue/black dress with her legs crossed. Whoa down boy. Blondes are what got me in trouble in the first place. Still, it doesn't hurt to look. She looks to be about five years my senior but that's okay… did I just think that? I mean it's not like I'm involved with her. Besides she has to have a boyfriend. The jealous gorilla/Riley built type who'd wring my neck for even glancing at her. There's just no way she couldn't have a boyfriend or even have the slightest interest in me. I swear, blondes will be the death of me.  
  
Just as I'm about to go back to work I notice the boss scoping her out. Reading her future or aura. Wonder if I should call him Master Yoda? Nah, never bite the hand that signs your paycheck. I go back to serving the drinks, but it's too late. The blonde is already causing trouble. I can't get her appearance, or voice out of my head. I decide to risk quick glances at her, aware that her boyfriend might want to practice qualifying for the WWF on me. If he can catch me that is. For a short while nothing happens. The girl is just sitting down at a table on the other side, watching everyone else sing. Then the boss walks up to me.  
  
"It's time" I say. It's not a question. It's a statement. The boss nods to me and I give him a fake smile. Might as well get this over with. I exit the bar and let the new guy take over and head for…ah shit. I forgot. She's still there. I was about to say humiliation central, but why does it feel like an execution now? I go on stage and head for the stupid machine. Oh great, what a song he picked. Well, it could have been worse. It could've been Celine Dion, but the boss doesn't want this place to get a bad name. I start the miserable machine, and I start singing to Blondie's "Maria" really off key. While I'm singing, I look over at the blonde's table and I see a mixed expression of laughter and "oh my god" on her face. I'm gonna get the boss for this. I don't know how or when but I'll get him. It's then that I see a guy head for Blondie's table, and sits down with her. Gotta be the boyfriend. Who else could it be? But right now I don't really care. I just want to find a hole in the ground to crawl into and die.  
  
When I finish, I do what I can to keep my dignity. So I hold my head up high and walk past Blondie and boyfriend who are in no doubt probably laughing at me. I head back for the bar, and sure enough there's the boss waiting for me. I don't know why but he loves it when I sing. I shrug his comments off. Then he says it.  
  
"Gotta hand it to you kid, you sure have a thing for blondes. On burned you bad, another one with some brunette shattered your heart, but let me tell you, that one at table eight is the one."  
  
"What are you talking about Boss?"  
  
"Well it turns out that both of your auras are intertwined with each other but it's also damn confusing."  
  
I'm dreading the answer but I ask him why.  
  
"I also see you with the mixed hair girl at the same time. Now either you've spiced up the Seabreeze or something screwy is going on."  
  
I change the subject. "So what can you tell me about her?" I ask.  
  
"Well unless that Vampire gets her she's going to be a special person," he says smugly.  
  
What! I quickly look back to table eight and sure enough there she goes walking out the back of the club with the "boyfriend," or Vampire. Something inside of me tells me not to get involved but then there's that nagging voice telling me to save her. Instinct makes the decision for me, and I rush towards and out the back door, just in time to see the Vampire lower his head to her neck. Five years of knowing of the things that go bump in the night has me grabbing the crossbow bolt in my vest and I ram it through the vamp's back. Blondie has a shocked expression on her face, and just as I'm about to calm her down she punches me in the jaw hard while calling me an idiot. The blow causes me to fall towards the ground. Now what's wrong with her? But before I can dwell on that she then kicks me in the stomach while screaming "YOU IDIOT. What do you think you're doing?"  
  
I wheeze out the words painfully "Saving you."  
  
She pauses while the words sink in, then exasperates "Saving…me. I wanted him to make me into a Vampire."   
  
My life just keeps getting more and more interesting.  



	3. Chapter 3

It turns out that Blondie was once the Vampire Queen Darla. Yep, Angel's sire but if memory serves, isn't she dead and what is she doing here as a human? I mean, I left SunnyHell to get away from Hellmouth. Okay, so maybe LA wasn't the best place, with Deadboy being here and all. I decide to try and talk some sense into her. I don't think we need the vamp that made Angelus coming out of retirement.   
  
I am such an idiot! I wanted her to talk to me. Not tell me her life story, but having four shots of Tequila does that you. She told me more then I wanted to hear. First she told me how heartbreaking it was to lose Angelus and when he staked her, like I could care less. Then she got into some plan by some firm called Wolfram and Hart. Seems that they want Deadboy to lose his soul again.   
  
Man, can't these evil types come up with something that doesn't deal with him. Sure, he loses his soul and everyone seeks to restore it. While I lose my life and they don't care. Where was I? Oh yeah, it turns out that the Master made her. She didn't really have a choice. She was dying of Syphilis. That's why she wants to be a vamp again, Immortality. See, when she was turned the Syphilis became dormant. Now that she's been brought back as a human the Syphilis has gone active. But I know there's a bigger reason.   
  
She's also human…which means she has a soul, and that's driving her insane. She can't take it. All those people she's killed. Sure she acts like Faith or Anya, not caring but unlike those two it's eating her up. Why else would she seek the unlife? No more guilt and pain. But the one that really made me mad about the walking gel repository was the latest one. He confronted her and told her she never made him happy. Now that was low. Sure they had a long and bloody history together, but that doesn't justify him going all Faith " talking" to Xander on her.   
  
She's now asking for another shot. Should I or shouldn't I? Uh-oh, she's giving me a sore look. The boss doesn't need a scene. That's another reason why he keeps me around. I haven't had a scene during my watch. Besides, she looks ready to drop. Might as well give her another one. She'll be easier to manage. Her sour look turns bright as I give her the next shot, and she really unloads it all. She starts crying over why her "Angel" might have dumped her. After a few minutes of crying, she goes and says to me "Don't I have a wonderful body?" in a pleading voice. This leaves me speechless. I give her a "You're kidding" look.   
  
"You're kidding," I say to her. "You've got a wonderful body."   
  
"Really" she says, smiling.  
  
Uh oh, trouble. But then again it wouldn't be bad. Who am I kidding? In her state, she'd think I'm Deadboy. Then there's the Syphilis. Not a good feeling, to have it. Thank god it was temporary, but what about her? I mean she's really hurt. I just can't leave her in this state. Yeah she was a Vampire, but she's human now. She has feelings. I might as well do humanity a favor cause we don't need another psycho bordering on Dru and Faith. Better be careful on how I say this.  
  
"Do you have a place to stay?" Great, sounds like I want a one night stand. If she weren't wasted, that'd be the end of it, but she's wasted. She just smiles.  
  
"You're a very naughty boy," she says in a childlike laugh. Oh man what have I done?  



	4. Chapter 4

Am I stupid? I have a beautiful woman in my Hellhole I call home, sleeping in my bed, and I have no intention of touching her. I want to help her, not take advantage of her. Then there's the wonderful memory of me trying to help Faith. Don't want part deux of that. But what a rush getting her here. I played along with her. A happy drunk is a cooperative drunk, and boy was she happy. Thinking that I was going to make her feel wanted and special she was ecstatic. I looked at the boss, and he gave me a knowing look that he understood. Besides, the other guy was here. He could cover me. So I took a giggling Darla by her arm and for a moment we looked like a happy couple.   
  
That is until she stumbled, laughing about her damn wedges and clumsiness. I lifted her off the floor, and headed for the front door. But then I remembered my jacket. I took her with me into the employee area, with Darla already nibbling on my ear while whispering "In here? You are so kinky." It turned out that just when I entered the employee entrance, Deadboy arrived, looking for the boss. When I was ready to go back out, I opened the door and saw Deadboy talking to the boss. I sort of panicked, and decided to go out the back. It was the only available detour to my car. Yep, my car. Uncle Rory gave it to me as a graduation present. Just in case my double decided to take that from me like he took everything else, I stayed one step ahead of him. I went to a junkyard and got "new" license plates.   
  
Being the gentleman I am, I opened the door for Darla, got her in and put on her belt. During the process of getting her belt on, I brushed her breasts and oh god was she soft. Whoa, don't go there. Remember that I'm only going to help her, not bang her. I got in my car, turned the ignition and away we went.  
  
I later found out from the boss that Angel was looking for Darla. Of course the boss didn't know that my "date" was Darla. It wasn't until Angel showed him a picture of her that he told him. The boss didn't give him my name, but he did mention that she had just left the place with someone that had a "white knight" vibe.   
  
God I'm sick of that title. The white knight always gets the girl he protects. Am I with Buffy? Thank god no. Sure wish I could have seen Deadboy's face though. He was probably thinking of me cause as the boss said, why else would he call Sunnydale looking for someone named Xander? Of course the joke's on him cause I'm "still there" in Sunnydale.   
  
Anyway, by the time we got to my wonderful Hellhole, Sweet Hellhole Darla was really plastered, and feeling Very frisky. She wasn't just nibbling on my ear but biting on my throat, like she was a vamp again. She started asking me how I would want it, and told me what she would and wouldn't do, and how she wanted it. This has to be Hell. To have her throw herself at me like this, but me being Mr. Nice Guy. It sucks.   
  
When we finally get to my door, I have to carry her in my arms like we're newly married while she hummed a drunken induced tune. I gently put her on couch, and she childishly asks for another drink. I don't have a choice but to tell her no. It's not good for her, and I don't have anything to drink around here, unless you like water. I don't want to wind up like my parents. Well, she started to pout about it, but I got her a glass of water anyway.   
  
When I came back, she was still humming a tune to herself. I hoped she wasn't crazy like Drusilla. Even though it made her seem cute, she was still dangerous cause her moods were hard to read, let alone predict.   
  
But back to my story, when she saw the glass of water, she eagerly reached for it while I sat down. She then drank it and then immediately spat it on my face while coughing "water." It was then that she saw what she had done, and…sorrow? appeared on her face. She then lifted herself off the couch and sat on my lap. Two events then occurred.   
  
The first was my rising member, and that she was using her tongue to clean me off. She was starting to make me forget the original purpose as to why I brought her here. She then purred " Do you think you can dominate me tonight instead of the other way around?"   
  
Oh, man she runs with the whips, chains and leather scene.   
  
"You always did try to dominate me, but you never could. You were the one that always wound up begging for me to stop, but as soon as I did you begged for more. Ah, remember the raunchy fun Drusilla and me would have? We truly were creatures of the night." She then went on about all the sex acts she could remember that they committed. Then she said "Maybe I'll finally let you give it to me in the ass Angelus. You always were there for me. Pleasing me."  
  
Great, she just had to it. She just had to ruin the moment, or did she? But then it was good because I just remembered that I'm supposed to help her, but it doesn't stop the pain, to be compared to him.   
  
Seeing my face, Darla smiled, cooing "Oh, did I hurt my sweet Angel?" then she passes out and starts to fall back.  
  
I don't know what possess me, but all I remember is that I throw my arms around her and stop her fall. Great, now she looks like I killed her. Nighty night time for her. I pick her up in my arms gently despite the fact she's unconscious and carry her to my room. I place her my bed carefully, then I pull the covers. I take her thong wedges off her feet and put her in my bed, then cover her up. At least she wasn't hurt. Wish I could say the same for me. What am I, everyone's emotional punching bag? Now I really know how Spike feels. But enough dwelling on pain. Time for the real fun to begin. The ultimate question. Where should I sleep tonight? The sofa, with a real high chance of falling off? Maybe the good old floor just like my young Christmas camping days. Looks like this will be a long night.   



	5. Chapter 5

I was already up and showered by seven thirty. With the condition my guest was in, not even stampeding elephants could wake her up. Still, I'm careful not to wake her up. She may be human again but she still packs a punch. Besides I still ache after the last bout. Like I said, what a night. I had finally decided on the couch, but when I woke up I "mysteriously" ended up on the floor.   
  
One thing for sure is that she will be hungry when she wakes up, and not for blood either. Sure hope she likes oatmeal. Hey I can cook, but I'm on a budget. I mean, it's LA, high rent, obscene electric rates, and criminal insurance premiums. Having negligent parents tends to have you forcing to fend for yourself, besides I need to watch what I eat now. So like I said, I'm supposed to help, and nothing wears down resistance for help like a nice hot meal. At least I hope so.  
  
When she finally woke up at nine fourteen, her reaction was probably that of a cornered doe. But then when you think about it, wouldn't you be scared waking up in unfamiliar surroundings with a real bad headache. The idea of being in someone else's bed didn't really thrill her, especially when there was no one else there. I hope she didn't freak out, but she probably did until she noticed she was still wearing her clothes. By then, I figure her reaction turned to surprise. I mean think about it, you get plastered, make sexual advances, then wake up in someone's bed with not just your undergarments on but your clothes as well. Me being the considerate guy, I of course left her some aspirin for when she woke up, and kept out of the room (unless you want to count me getting my clothes).   
  
Anyway, I'm enjoying my oatmeal, minding my own business and watching last night's episodes of Montel Williams and the Gawdfather of Talk Shows, Jerry Springer. Go ahead and laugh. Sure you may think of it as trash TV, but this cheers me up. Yeah, a traffic director once told me that whenever he feels his life sucks he turns on Springer and low and behold there is some else worse off then me. Like right now, some guy is leaving his girlfriend for a girl that is so sleazy, she makes Pamela Lee look like a nun. I mean, who knows where she's been? Wonder if I'll ever see Buffy, Riley, and Angel on it? Nah, we don't want them giving Jerry a bad name.   
  
But before I can really enjoy the show the door to my room opening interrupts my train of thought and out she walks, cautiously with my Louisville Slugger in hand. She's weary but once she sees me sitting down eating it sort of calms her. But like I said, it sort of calms her down because she's still wielding my Slugger. But after one look at me she lowers the bat, but her body language is telling me "don't get any funny ideas." Okay, think Xander think. How can I reassure her that I'm friendly?   
  
"I got a ball and mitt if you want to hit the park."  
  
Oh that's a good way to start. It seems that for a moment all time freezes between the two of us, then she starts to laugh. It's not the good laugh either. It's the "I can't believe you said that" or "what?" laugh. Got to salvage this fast, but before I can say anything she takes the initiative.  
  
"What happened?" she asks, in a demanding tone while holding the bat.  
  
"Uh, girl plus Angel equals heartbroken girl. Heartbroken girl plus Syphilis equals depression. Depressed girl plus Tequila multiplied by five equals drunk, depressed girl. Drunk depressed girl plus concerned bartender gets sexual advances. Concerned bartender divided by Plastered girl equals warm bed for girl. Concerned bartender minus sofa equals floor."  
  
I then went back to my breakfast while she still looked at me trying to see if I was lying.  
  
"What happened?" she asked again, not believing me.  
  
"I already told you. Nothing happened okay. You passed out, I put you to bed."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I want to help you, and to do that I have to earn your trust. I can't earn your trust with you waking up next to me."  
  
She let it sink in before responding snidely "What can you do to help? Nothing, that's what. It's too late to help me. Vampirism is the only help I need."  
  
No, you can't. If you do, it really gets shot to hell. No one deserves being a vampire. I have one last chance.  
  
"Look, I'm not going to ask for much. Just give me one chance okay. One day all right. If I can't help you, then…I'll help you become a vampire" and I'll there to stake you I add to myself.  
  
She lets my proposal sink into her head. "Okay" she finally says, "help me find my footwear and you have a deal."  
  
Help her find… she is still a little out of it. I left them at the foot of the bed.   
  
I cheerfully say "Okay, but first things first," I point to her oatmeal. "Are you going to eat that? You shouldn't let good food go to waste."   
  
She just looks at me as if I'm okay in a mental way.  
  
Okay, first thing's first. I need information and there's only one person I know off that can give it to me. Once she had showered and I cleaned her blue/black dress, I took Darla back with me to meet the boss. Of course the only way the boss could help was if Darla sang.   
  
Hey, what are you pausing for? Of course she thought it was a stupid idea, but we did have a deal. She cooperates with me while I try to help her and to do that she had to sing so the boss could give me the information. So she goes on stage, sits on the stool, crosses her legs and starts to sing Nena's 99 Red Balloons in the same depressed tone from last night. The boss immediately gets to work, reading her aura or future. After a few seconds he says, "Ooh!"  
  
I look at him. "Ooh what? What does that mean?"  
  
"It means 'ground control to Vermilion, cut your losses while you're ahead."  
  
"Look Boss I need your help to save her. She'll become a vampire if you don't."  
  
"Whoa, calm down kid. The anger and pain is going to overwhelm me."  
  
"You'd feel the same if you had a demon double that stole your life and girlfriend."  
  
"A double huh? Well that finally explains the different futures. Let me tell you kid, those two are really going to have their ups and downs."  
  
I avert my gaze back to her. "Boss, can we please get back to Darla?" I don't really care how my double and Anya will do. She chose him; she's welcome to him. What the boss did was see how I looked at her. Annoyed, I shot at him "Shouldn't you be reading her?"  
  
"Look kid, I can see why you want to help her but not everyone can be saved."  
  
"I can't let her die boss."  
  
"Look kid, she had over 400 years of life…"  
  
"As a vampiress but what about a normal life? Is that too much to ask?"  
  
"What about you?"  
  
"What about me?"  
  
"Look kid, you have so much going for you to just throw it all away for her."  
  
"Look boss I don't have anything going for me all right. My life has sucked since day one and everyday I wonder why I don't go to Springer. Sure I sound like a defeatist, but this doesn't mean no else deserves a better chance."  
  
"That's what I like about you kid. You refuse to let up. There might be one way.."  
  
"I'll do it."  
  
"You must see something in her I don't kid, because this might kill you." The boss then started to write me an address on a napkin and handed it to me. "Okay kid, now if you really want to go through with this, you need to take a plunge."  



	6. Chapter 6

Despite the fact that Darla was cooperating with me didn't really mean she had faith in me. If you ask me, she was humoring me. When we finally arrived to the address, we came across to an empty pool. It was this incident that finally made Darla lose her patience with me.  
  
"Well one thing I've learned about you is that you're a naïve moron. I can't believe I let you talk me into this."  
  
"Hey, the boss said I had to take the plunge."  
  
"Into an empty pool?"  
  
"Why not? Pools always have water and...are wet. This is something you wouldn't expect." I then stepped onto the diving board, ready to jump. But before I did, I looked back at Darla.  
  
She was giving me this annoyed look, and then she let me know what was on her mind cause she snapped at me, "Look, cut the Paladin crap. You don't have to prove anything to me all right? Tell you what, you don't need to help me become a vampire."  
  
Her words struck something inside of me. She saw me as a Knight, her champion despite that she most likely despised me. Maybe I'm not a lost cause.  
  
"You're wrong," I say. "This isn't just for you. I need to know. I need to know who and what I am. Now, I'm either going to heal you or you'll see me put out an end to my promising life."   
  
She's speechless and before she can say anything I jump up on the diving board and off it into the very hard looking pool…and dive right through it. The first thing I do is tucked in my head and boy is it a smart move because I land real painfully onto a dungeon floor. While I'm picking my carcass off the floor I hear a voice saying,   
  
"Well, we certainly have faith. Now we'll test your valor" in a British accent. I looked at the voice's owner who was dressed as a butler.   
  
"My name is Jeeves and I shall be assisting you with the trials, sir."  
  
Just as I was about to say something I noticed something at the corner of my eye and I turned and there was Darla.  
  
"What is she doing here? How did she get here?"  
  
"You wish to save her life?"  
  
"Well it's either that or you telling me if the Padres will take the pennant."  
  
"I'm afraid I can't help you with gambling purposes sir. The reason why she is here is because she is your collateral. If you complete all three trials, she will be healed."  
  
Great there's a catch. "And if I fail?"  
  
"She dies instantly."  
  
Oh yeah, there is a catch. I look at Darla and her mocking facial expression filled with contempt for me turns to horror. She doesn't know my capabilities or me. I don't think I'll even pass the trials. Test taking was never my strength.  
  
"In the mean time, Darla, you can relax with an iced beverage in our - antechamber" and next thing you know she's gone.  
  
"Hey, bring her back."  
  
"I'm afraid I can't sir. In a few moments nothing will be safe in here. Even me."  
  
"But if I fail… her life…why?" I demand, grabbing his uniform collar and holding him.  
  
"Pardon me, but these clothes cost money."   
  
I release him and he dusts himself off, then continues "Look, I'm sorry if there was a misunderstanding, but life is the bargain here, you must place hers in the balance along with yours." It's then that I hear a low growl coming from the closed gate behind me.  
"Think positive sir. Now, your trials will consist of three separate challenges. But before we begin I'll need your shirt and shoes."  
  
"I don't believe this." I'm not going to bother arguing with him. I take off my shirt and shoes, and hand them to Jeeves. Of course I can't keep my mouth shut "All right, but like you said, these cost money." He just glares at me. He must be related to Giles and Wesley. I swear these brits have no sense of humor.  
  
"Hey, how about before we start these tests, you could give some practice trials? You know, like a practice quiz before the test. Or maybe something like a page of notes that I can use?"  
  
"I've never given information to a challenger before, not that it would help."  
Yup definitely related to Wesley and Giles.  
  
It's not like you've been any help. "Ok, well how many have passed this test?"  
  
"I have yet to see one pass this one, but it is an easy one. Once that gate opens, all you have to do is walk through it."  
  
"But there's something I have to get passed right?"  
  
"Yes, but that's all you'll get from me. Good luck sir."  
  
The "advisor" disappears like Darla did. I'm starting to look around the room for anything I can use. Easy my ass, especially if you have a guardian. Then the gate rises and an ugly green demon wielding a hefty looking sword and chains wrapped around each of his arms with hooks at the ends walks in.  
  
"I knew I should have asked if this test was true, false, or multiple choice."  



	7. Chapter 7

The first thing that Mister Big Bad Brutal and Domination does is unravel his chains and swing them at me. Thanks to his movements I'm able to anticipate what he's doing and avoid them, barely. One goes wide but the other one clips my back. What was that comment I once said? Oh yeah I laugh at the face danger then hide until it goes away. Sound advice, I think I'll take it.   
  
I begin a retreat to the arched doorways, but it won't do me any good for long. There has to be another way. Think, cause Darla's life is on the line. Oh yeah, so is mine.   
  
Mr. BBB&D doesn't really like the idea of me escaping him on the first shot so he tries again, with the same luck, but with me actually dodging completely this time. Okay, my Valor is being tested, but I can't fight him directly. There's no way I'm getting involved in a macho brawl. He'll kill me. I run to another arch. Hopefully he isn't smart. I need to get him to overextend his lines, then I'm home free. Whoever's up there watching must be on my side cause the dope falls for it. I may not be athletic material but I am fast. How else could I have survived the Hellmouth?   
  
I sprint for the door, ready for the next trial when I feel a funny sensation of flying, then landing down on the floor and being dragged. That wasn't part of my plan! I look behind me and see Mr. BBB&D laughing as he starts to drag me towards him, both of his hands gripping a chain with is wrapped around both of my legs. How did he know I would try that? Looks like he's full of surprises. So am I, I just need to find some.   
  
Okay, can't use my Jack attack, I need a bomb for that. Anya's not here to help like when I became a demon magnet. I gotta do something because I don't like the way he's grabbing his sword. He unsheathes his sword and holds it one hand. Smart and real strong, then he starts to show off, doing all sorts of sword move like in Raiders of the Lost Ark! Where's Indiana Jones when you need him? But his need for showmanship is a blessing in disguise cause it's giving me the time I need. I franticly try to undo the chains, and…he keeps showing off.   
  
Maybe he isn't smart after all, or he's real confident. He raises his sword above his head and brings it down in an arc to my head. Now I have plans for tomorrow, so dying isn't on my top priorities, so I move out of the way just as the blade clangs onto the floor and I'm trip/running to the arches while I'm trying to come up with plan B as Ugly pursues me. With the gain I have the advantage. I'm going to try something he would never expect. The direct approach.   
  
Once he turns the corner to where I am I give him a punch to the face with everything I have, connecting with his face. Of course BBB&D is a tough demon cause it didn't faze him and he looks annoyed, shit, looks like this is going to hurt.  
  
Interlude  
"I need to see what's happening. Now." Darla said while standing next to Jeeves in the antechamber.  
  
"Very well" Jeeves said, touching Darla's forehead, and she saw the demon snare Xander's legs in the chains.  
  
"Fascinating."   
  
"Say again?" Darla asked.   
  
"I said 'fascinating."  
  
"What's so fascinating about seeing this inept moron getting me killed?" she said with bile.  
  
"Really Darla, you must give him a chance," Jeeves said looking at his pocket watch.  
  
"Call this off okay. Nobody said anything about me being collateral. As a matter of fact I don't remember my agreeing to this."  
  
"Now now, do give him a chance. You have to give him credit. He's already lasted three and a half times longer then the others. Besides, once the tests have started they can't be stopped."  
  
Ugly first backhands me. Then as I stand stunned, he grabs my shoulders and knees me in the stomach, releasing me. Easy test my ass. Rather then continuing to pummel me senseless he decides to play with me again and why not? He outclasses me in speed, cunning, strength, skill, and possibly even the Twinkie eating contest if it's made into an Olympic event.   
  
This time he holds me with one hand on my throat in a somewhat constricting grip. He doesn't want me dead yet. Then he throws me against the wall hard causing me to lose my breath. The demon then pulls out his chains again. He's serious now. But then again so am I. As he starts whirling and twirling his chains I scramble behind a pillar. Ugly laughs thinking I have nowhere to go. Maybe he's right, but it's not over until Oprah sings.   
  
Okay, bad pun but you get the idea. I try to listen to the whirling chains, trying to hear for the twirling sound to change to a swishy sound while I have my back to the pillar. My mind goes blank as I try to tune into the sound. Relax, hear the chain, be the chain. What am I thinking? That is such bull! Like the comeback the hero does after taking so much punishment.   
  
But before I can continue, my debate is interrupted by the sound of swishing chains. With my back still against the pillar I get myself into a crouch, the chains wrapping themselves around the pillar and themselves where my body should have been. It's the break I needed because BBB&D is getting pissed from not being able to unravel the chains.   
  
I run like Hell towards the gate, but then I wind up tripping on my own feet. I do a quick pushup and get to my feet, and then I see something that makes me glad I fell. Wedged into the wall just inches from where I would have been had I not fallen is Ugly's sword. Looks like my own clumsiness inadvertently saved my life. But before I can ponder anything else, I hear a growl. A pissed growl. I look at BBB&D whose slowly walking towards me. I just give him a "I'm in trouble" smile.   
  
"How about we just play Paper, Rock, Scissors?" Why can't I say the right thing? I look at the gate and surprise, surprise it's closed. Like they said in Mad Max, "two have entered, one must leave." What can I do? Wait the sword.   
  
I put both of my hands on it and start to pull on it. Sounds a lot easier then it really is cause it's barely budging. Ugly is getting closer, and why do I feel like Luke and Ugly is starting to look like the Wampa? I put my legs on the wall and pull again, straining myself. Finally, the adrenaline gives me the strength I need to pull out the sword and the damn thing is heavy. Now if I can just swing the thing with out falling flat on my back. BBB&D finally reaches me and I using everything I have left, swing the sword and cut him in half. I drop the sword to the ground and head for the gate, which is still closed.   
  
Strange, I beat Ugly, so why isn't the gate opening? There's no reason unless….I turn around and sure enough Ugly is trying to reattach himself. I run too the sword, pick it up and chop him in half again. This will get me nowhere unless I can disable him. But what can I do? The only thing he can do is using his hands on me…of course.   
  
Swinging the blade again, I sever his hands, then I use the sword to spear both his bottom torso and his hands. The next part of my master plan is to then embed the sword into the wall. Ugly tries in a futile attempt to jump without his legs to try and dislodge the sword and much to my joy, the gate is opening.   
  
Wonder what the next test could be? Swimming with sharks? Shopping with Cordelia? Sex with Celine Dion? I hope nothing more physical. Body feels like it was used by Faith for her upcoming "Big Bitch" bout against Buffy. Oh well there's only one way to find out.  
  
Interlude 2  
"He did it" Darla whispered, half-glad and half-surprised.   
  
"Remarkable how someone with no special abilities was able to pass this trial, and what he did to dispatch the guardian. Very good quick thinking" Jeeves said.  
  
All Darla could do was look at Xander as he stepped through the gate. Maybe he would be able to help her after all. She turned around and smiled at Jeeves.   
  
Jeeves just raised his eyebrows at her.


	8. Chapter 8

I stepped through the gate and came into a long, dark corridor. About half way down is a basin on a pedestal. Now why would that be there? Has to be a reason but my thought is broken again as I see a door at the other end of the corridor.   
  
Hmm, looks like all I have to do is get from point A to Point B. Can't run across though. This looks like the perfect place for an Indiana Jones cliché trap. I try to look for holes in the walls. You know the ones that darts come out of? I'm already halfway through, can't screw up cause of overconfidence, but I did it! I finally did something right. Strange no holes, what else could there be for traps? And why is it warm in here? Oh well might as well just start walking…  
  
"OWWW"  
  
My only option is to jump back, rubbing my left foot. That hurts goddamn it. No wonder it felt warm in here. Heat panels. The floor is composed of heat panels. I put my hand against the wall as I ponder what to do and start dancing again as I rub my hand. The walls are also composed of heat panels.   
  
Talk about originality.   
  
Okay, I have to get across, don't want the trial to end in forfeit. I just do what I've been doing since Sunnydale. I run, concentrating on the door and just the door. It's the only way I can block the pain. Problem is I spend so much time focusing on the door and ignoring the pain that I forget about the basin, my side crashing into it and spilling some of it's contents onto the floor and causing me to slip.   
  
I land on the floor full length, screaming in pain and I rise quickly, in a room that's on fire?! How the Hell? Snap out of it X-Man, this is gym class, not logic thinking. I sprint the remaining yards to the door and try to open it but it won't budge.   
  
Great, I can't punch it down like Buffy or Deadboy would, but that doesn't mean I can't punch it in frustration. Who knows maybe it might even open?   
  
A few seconds later I'm shaking my fist.   
  
Big mistake, the suckers made of Iron. How do I know? Well my left hand now hurts real badly for starters. I really need to get a new brain. This one is going to kill me. Oh well, it could have been worse.   
  
How, I have no idea. Looks like I need a key, but where would I put a key…the Basin. I turn back around and head for the Basin and stop just a few yards short of it cause of the fire.   
  
How could a fire have started here? I don't smell gas. I need to do this quick. If I remember, fire eats up oxygen and this corridor doesn't look like it has much of it. This is going hurt. I run to the firewall and jump over it and roll back to my feet. Damn it hurts. I head for the basin and immediately plunge my right hand in it, pulling it out as the liquid inside of it bubbles.   
  
Oil, boiling oil.   
  
No wonder he wanted my shirt and shoes. If I had my shirt, I could wrap it around my hand and give myself a few seconds of relief. Oh well, the circumstance's forces me to do this. I start to push the basin that is surprisingly cool despite the heat and knock it over with the oil, and a key. Of course the moment the oil touches the floor everything lights up. Now I don't know if that can really happen, but if it can't then magic is the only explanation.   
  
The entire room is starting to turn into an inferno, the flames licking at my body, the heat turning my feet raw. Don't think Xanman, get the key. I reach over for the key and burn my hand in the process, but I'm not going to stop. I don't want to wind up a Crispy Critter. I need that key, or Darla will become dearly departed, giving Deadboy a real good reason to get me.   
  
Wait a minute, I'll be dead too. Well, he'll probably get me in the afterlife once he's staked. Still, not a beautiful thought. I grab the key, and the damn thing is burning me. I then run back through the flames with the key and place it in the lock, giving it a twist while saying "Open sesame." Wonder what the next trial will be?  
  
Interlude 3  
When she saw Xander fall on the floor and the room starting to burst into flames, Darla looked back at Jeeves who was eating a cookie. "Do you enjoy making people suffer?"  
  
"Of course not. I have no feelings about the outcome of this contest. What matters to me is how it is played."  
  
All Darla could do is just continue looking at the contest where a complete stranger was fighting for her. He had already knocked over the basin with the boiling oil and the fire was growing. She turned back to Jeeves "If you want him dead, why don't you just kill him already? Why the exaggerated death games?"  
  
"Miss, there seems to be a belief that I am biased towards this contest. I am just the referee."  
  
A few moments later, Xander was unlocking the door.  
  
"Very impressive for a human" Jeeves said.  
  
Darla just looked Xander, wondering if there was more to him then she thought.  



	9. Chapter 9

I'm hurt bad. No doubt about it, I'm hungry and I'm an idiot. Here I am going through a hot room and I'm all out of marshmallows. I knew I should've stopped at the convenience store but NO. Had to impress my "date."   
  
I continue walking, groaning in pain with each step. Getting to third base now. All I need now is to get past the catcher and I'm home free. It's then that chains shoot out from the ceiling and floor, clamping onto me. When my mouth isn't getting me into trouble my brain is. Something's going on. I think the game's fixed. But before I can think anymore Jeeves comes in clapping his hands.  
  
"Excellent play old boy. I salute you. No one has ever gotten this far. Of course there is one final challenge." The bastard then raised his hand and from the wall in front of me emerged iron spikes. Row after row of them.   
  
Great, this game was fixed.  
  
"What in Hell is going on?" I yell, looking at the spikes. Something's dripping off of them. Can't be acid. That would leave smoke from the burning. Could be poison? If I'm going to die, I might as well die mouthing off.  
  
"Spikes? What kind of test is this if you have to cheat?"  
  
"My good man, I'm shocked. There is no cheating allowed. It's part of the test."  
  
"So you don't have money riding on the outcome. Let me guess, the only way I pass is if I die right?"  
  
"Exactly. You do understand - this third test has no trick. Just one solution, this is one you can't escape from unscathed."  
  
"Little problem there. The previous two, the word 'ouch' comes to mind."  
  
"In either case Death is the final challenge. - We can't restore one life without taking another. There must be a balance. In order for Darla to live, you must die."  
  
"No loopholes?"  
  
Jeeves just frowns. "I do apologize for any discomfort this may be causing. The pain must be unbearable."   
  
"I'm used to it. 'Kick Xander Around' was a popular sport back home."  
  
"If you say so."  
  
"So the only way Darla lives is if I die willingly?"   
  
"Yes" The Brit said then went to the wall and began to pull on a lever. The action resulted in the spike wall moving towards me, slowly. So much for a quickie death. But as abruptly as it started it stopped.  
  
"Whatcha stop for?"  
  
"I can't start this dread contraption without your permission sir. By passing the trials you have earned a choice. Accept your death so she can live or forfeit the challenge."  
  
"If I do choose to walk?"  
  
"She dies. Now would be the time for any reconsideration's."  
  
"Get it over with."  
  
"Very well but before I do may I ask you a question? Why are you throwing your life away for her? She's hardly worth saving, let alone capable of handling her self."  
  
For once I keep my mouth shut. What am I doing? I give up my life to heal her the first thing she'll do is run over to Deadboy and give him a happy. There's just no way he would be able to resist her. They'll roll around like rabbits and bang we have Angelus again. Buffy tends to be weak-minded, so she won't even stake him, even though she's banging GI Joe these days. But I remember what she told me during the Tequila. She was dying at a young age.   
  
"She never really got the chance to have a real life." It was doing what she did to get by until the next day. She deserves a real life, even if it's at my expense.   
I continue to justify my decision.   
  
"Besides, who would miss me? I don't call having abusive parents, unconcerned friends, multiple dead end jobs, constant humiliation and failing a life?" All I can see is despair. Death would be a blessing.  
  
"Just do it. Put me out of my misery."  
  
"Are you sure young man? You of all people know how the world can be a terrible place. You exit the picture and she takes charge, how long before she takes for granted everything you've done here for her?"  
  
"Can the mind games. I fail or walk out she dies. I give myself up she lives. Gee, looks like a tough choice. But My answer is still the same."  
  
"Very well. But keep in mind she has made no promise to you."  
  
"I trust she'll make the right choices this time" I whisper, closing my eyes. No I'm not doing it cause I'm scared of looking death in the face. I'm just tired of looking at it in the face. Well the good thing is I'll be able to talk to Jesse.   
  
"Look I've had it, and that's my final answer Jeeves" I yell with my eyes still closed. Great, even when facing death I can't keep my mouth shut. Hopefully the afterlife doesn't have lawyers who'll sue me for making a Millionaire reference. Something tells me that if the spikes don't kill me, the poison will. But with my luck it's probably the "burn the blood" type. I hear the wall moving towards me, the grinding noise trying to get me to pry my eyes open, possibly to scream in horror or to attempt a futile escape. But I won't. I need my dignity, and wait to die. So much for me making it to Home Base.  
  
Interlude 4  
Darla knew something was up the moment Jeeves disappeared. But her mind registered it as being of little consequence. She kept both eyes on Xander. He just had to pass this test and she would be healed.   
  
But what would he want from her? Well it was obvious what he would want. He was a man after all. But the kid did deserve it, but she doubted he could handle her. But her world came to a crashing halt when chains wrapped around him. "What was this?" she thought.  
  
Then Jeeves came out, applauding him, then explained the circumstances to him. He had to die for her to live. He would never do it. He would never cut his life short for a whore who treated him with contempt.   
  
But to her surprise he was, and the reasons got her thinking. She wasn't stronger then him. He was. He had to in order for him to endure all that pain, and there he was getting ready to exchange it for peace, while she could get the life that she never had.   
  
What kind of person was he? A tear fell down her eye when he said he trusted her to make the right choice. He trusted her?   
  
He didn't even know her, and he even wasn't using her. The Master used her to satisfy his hunger, and as a tool. Angelus was using her to redeem himself. Lindsey may be infatuated with her but he was still using her for Wolfram and Hart to bring Angelus to the dark side. Yet she threw herself at him in her state and he did nothing. But her thoughts were broken when she heard him accept his death.  
  
"No, you can't" she pleaded, hoping that he could hear her.  
  
"Look I've had it, and that's my final answer Jeeves" he screamed. He was completely resigned to death.  
  
"But I never told you I was sorry for not having faith in you," she thought. Then the spikes moved towards him. When she was a vampiress she loved seeing these types of things but now it horrified her. She couldn't watch him die so all she could do was close her eyes. She waited for the death screams but heard none.   
  
Eventually, she could no longer handle the suspense so she opened her eyes, and saw Xander fully clothed, still chained.   
  
He was alive.   
  
She ran to him.  



	10. Chapter 10

Funny….I was expecting my death to be painful, but I didn't feel a thing. Rather, I feel something soft against my chest, embracing me and I hear some whimpering. Must be an angel. That was quick! Hopefully there's food around here. I'm starved. I open my eyes to witness the glory of heaven or wherever people go when they die, and hugging me is an angel.   
  
A blond angel wearing a dark dress. Darla? How did she get here so quickly? But before I can ask her, I hear a familiar voice and some clapping.  
  
"Excellent. You passed the final test. In accepting your death as a sacrifice to her, you were able to do it."  
  
"I'm not dead?" I say, wondering if it was true.  
  
"Not yet."  
  
"Not yet? Then what's left is.."  
  
"Is her prize."   
  
"Then heal her of her affiliation".  
  
Giles "older brother" then looks from me to Darla; "You're a very lucky woman. No longer will you suffer from your malignancy for you have your whole life ahead of you."   
  
He then put both of his hands on the sides of her head and she closed her eyes. A blue aura emanated from Jeeves hands, dancing around Darla's head for a few moments, and then it receded.  
  
Jeeves then looked at Darla "Again, you are very lucky Darla" he said looking back at me. "Had he asked for you to be given another chance at life, it would have failed."  
  
"What are you saying?" Darla asked, a little spooked.  
  
"If he had asked for you to be given a second chance, it would have failed. You see Darla; right now you're living your second chance. However he asked for you to be healed. You were brought back through supernatural means correct?"  
  
"Yes" she says, in a whimper.  
  
Well that explains why she's back. I move next to her, wrapping my arms around her as if protecting her. I ask her how she feels.  
  
"I'm fine, just hold me." Her wish is my command. "How do you feel?" she asks.  
  
"I'm never eating barbecue again." What she then does is lightly punch my chest.  
  
"Do you always joke around?" she admonishes me.  
  
"Hey, you asked how I felt." I look at Jeeves, and I notice he's looking at me and the expression he has on his face is making me uncomfortable.  
  
"As for you, there is still the matter of your reward."  
  
Reward? What the Hell is he talking about? As far as I know, the transaction is done unless….shit, I really do have to die to save Darla. While this idea is sinking through, Jeeves moves next to me and places his right hand to where my heart is and before I know it, the worst pain I've ever felt is coursing through my entire body.   
  
It feels like it's on fire, and I can't stop screaming in pain. Jeeves, you are a bastard. I'm coming after you. I don't know how I'll be able to do it, but believe me I will. I fall to my knees, and now Jeeves is touching the sides of my head like he did with Darla. I see my life flash before my life. Playing with Jesse, Willow, and Amy. Meeting Buffy, the love spell, Faith, my special night, Anya, losing my life.   
  
It's then that I see the Magic Shop back in Sunnydale, my "friends" and the imposter. The imposter is also writhing in pain; blue lighting coursing throughout his body while Anya just stands horrified. Good, if I'm going to die, you're coming with me. Wonderful news Jeeves, I'm not going to kill you anymore.   
  
Poor Darla, she's just paralyzed, watching. But then again wouldn't you. Jesus Fucking Christ It Hurts, and just as suddenly as it started, it ends after three minutes.   
  
Looks like I will be dying after all. My breathing was ragged. Oh yeah, I am dying. It's then that I feel my head being cradled in someone's lap. Who would, oh yeah Darla but why?   
  
I look at her, and she has tears falling down her eyes. Guess she feels guilty for this. Losing conscious fast.  
  
"Darla, make me proud" I say.   
  
I give up. I am terrible with words. At least now maybe now I'll be at peace.  
  



	11. Chapter 11

I wake up in my bed, sweating. I'm alive! It was only a dream. Funny how the alarm clock didn't ring. I look at the time, 3:47PM. Only an hour to get ready or the Boss is gonna make me sing to the Spice Girls.   
  
I get out of bed, still half asleep and crash into a nightstand. Looks like learning Klingon curses wasn't a waste of time cause that really hurt. Nightstand?! I don't own a nightstand. The pain I inflict on myself hurts so badly that I land back in bed, clutching my right shin, still cursing in Klingon. This isn't my apartment. Where the Hell am I?   
  
It is then that I hear someone's voice.  
  
"Alexander?"  
  
I look to its source and I see Darla at the doorway. Looks like it wasn't a dream after all, but how is it that I'm still alive. She's smiling at me. I think I am dreaming. She then walks toward me, arriving at the foot of the bed. "Darla, how..Where?"  
  
"You're at the Hyperion Hotel Alexander."  
  
"The what?" I ask. I've never heard of that one.  
  
"I brought you here Alexander. You've been out for ten days."  
  
"Ten days?" I've been out for ten days? I am definitely singing Spice Girls when I show up for work.  
  
She placed one of her hands to my face, caressing the beard I now had. Gonna have to get rid of it later.   
  
"My poor baby" she purrs, kissing my cheek. "Going through all of that for me."  
  
"What happened?" I ask, getting up. Why is she acting like this? I don't want to blow her off, but I need to know. Something's going on. Why aren't I dead?   
  
She looks at me, without a hint of anger or hurt. Kind of different when the tables from our last morning encounter. She looks like she understands though.  
  
"That double you had."  
  
I don't like the sound of this. Wait a minute, how did she know?  
  
"It was you. It wasn't a demon like you thought. Some how you were split in two. He got the best qualities, while you.."  
  
"Got the worst" I finish for her. All this time, it was also me. "How do you know this?"  
  
"When you lost consciousness, Jeeves told me what happened to you. I still can't believe you were able do what you did."  
  
"Same here. What did Jeeves do?"  
  
"He restored you. I brought you here and everything would have gone fine until Angelus tried to kill you."  
  
"What?!" I knew it. He hated me.   
  
"Seems like he thought you were a demon, from what the Slayer told him about you two."  
  
"What did you do?" I asked, curious.  
  
"I told him that he'd be staked the moment he tried something. I owed you Alexander."  
  
"You owe me nothing Darla. It's in my nature to do what I did."  
  
Everything was silent for a few moments when she spoke again. "Oh, your friends are here," she added. Gotta be the Scooby Gang. What could they want?  
  
"What do they want?" I say. They probably want to apologize, then we'll go back to the Hellmouth and get back to square one. Only with new problems like which Xander is which now? Who gets the bed? Who's the original cause if I was restored, then the other must have as well. Who will Anya want to be with? I sure don't want to be with her anymore. She did try to kill me. Then there's the matter of home, job, and the toothbrush. Might as well go and face them. I look at Darla, and she just looks at me.   
  
"What?" she says.  
  
"I uh, need to shower." I say nervously.  
  
She cheerfully responds "Great. So do I." She then walks toward the shower and turns it on. Then she kicks off her shoes and starts to slowly remove her dress, but stops.  
  
"Alexander" she says in a melodious voice, "can you please help me with my dress. The zipper seems to be stuck."  
  
"Uh…Darla, I don't think.." It is then that I notice her get a little annoyed.  
  
"Alexander, don't think. Just act."  
  
What choice do I have? I better help her get showered, or she'll probably kick my ass again.  
  
After a very interesting shower, I got dressed and shaved. No matter how hard I try; I can't get any beard or goatee to look right. Hand in hand, Darla and me walk down the stairs of Deadboy's hotel. I might as well face my so-called friends. As we reach the lobby, I hear some arguing coming from what must be the dining area. I listen to the voices, and it's the Angelites and Scoobies.  
  
"He's coming back with us. He needs to be with his friends." That sounds like Buffy.  
  
"No he's not. I don't know what he's done to her but Darla refuses to leave his side. He goes to Sunnydale, she'll go. I need to watch over her. He stays here."   
  
Gee Deadboy, I didn't know you cared.  
  
"That's right Peaches, can't stand having Darla follow Xander around like a lovesick puppy. Oww, that hurt."  
  
"Spike, shut up. For once I agree with Deadboy. It would just be weird with two of me…us there." Has to be my "brother."  
  
"No! We have to bring him back with us. Having sex with one Xander is fun. Just think how much more fun we'll have with two of you."  
  
I then feel Darla start to yank me as she walks forward. Trouble brewing. She's gotta be pissed, but she doesn't understand that Anya's well, Anya. It's not my fault she became an over affectinate and uninhibited nympho when she lost her powers.   
  
I pull her back to me and give her a well meaning kiss to calm her down and it seems to work, because she just melts into my arms, throwing her arms around me. I want nothing to do with these…strangers.   
  
Each one is treating me like an object, or doing what they believe is right for me without asking me what I want. I just want a life, and it looks like Darla wants me. I break the kiss, and taking her hand, take her with me to the hotel's entrance.   
  
We're checking out. It's Deadboy's fault for not having a doorman if he's expecting payment. I quietly open the door and bring her close to me once again for another kiss, a passionate kiss. Then we walk out into the streets of Los Angeles. There's a certain demon I have to thank.  



	12. Epilogue

Epilogue  
Xander wondered if he was either blessed or cursed in life. A year had passed since that day in the Hyperion. Although he had nothing to do with it, the look that Deadboy gave him would have killed him if it were possible.   
  
Like it was his fault his "brother" and Darla just walked out and disappeared. That doesn't mean he deserved the blame.   
  
Him and Anya didn't last much either. She just couldn't handle the fact that his "brother" "dumped" her for Darla, so she left him for Giles. Talk about disturbing.   
  
That would have been it for him in the love line if Glory hadn't been defeated. Because he was the one that stripped her of most of her powers, she developed an unhealthy interest in him. It had something to do with him being the only one worthy of her.   
  
It wouldn't be that bad except for the fact that Faith was back in town after serving time and also wanted him as well.   
  
Mix up two strong, borderline psychotics fighting over him and you have a nice wonderful mess.   
  
It was just driving him crazy, nine months without sex! Every time him and Glory or Faith would get ready to romp, the other would interrupt and another fight breaks out, with him getting caught in the middle and each of the girls blaming each other for his injuries.   
  
To top it off, neither was interested in sharing. Sometimes he wondered where his "brother" was and if he would like to hide him out. Oh well dinner time, he wondered which girl would be in his apartment cooking. He parked his car and walked inside the complex, getting his mail in the process.  
  
"Bills, bills, ooh, the newest Babylon 5 plate, with Ivanova. Oh goodie. Hello what is this?"  
  
It was a postcard from Oahu, Hawaii. Funny, he didn't know anyone in Hawaii. He turned it over to read it.  
  
Hey there Bro,  
Sorry I haven't written in a year but there is probably a very pissed Deadboy out there looking for me. Just to let you know, don't worry about me, I'm doing fine. Darla also says hi. We just married about a week ago and guess what? We already have a little rugrat on the way! Write us, because after all that's happened, you're still family.  
Sincerely and XOXO from Darla Alexander and Darla Harris.  
P.S. Don't let the Gang know where we are please.  
  
He just looked at the postcard, and wondered how Deadboy would react to how Alexander and Darla were doing, if he told him that is. A smile appeared on his face.  
  
"Wonder if he'll faint?"  
THE END  



End file.
